Friday, February 13, 2009

Even This?

Focus. Persevere! Yes you can! This is what God has been telling me lately but I am not too sure I believe I can. I am in the middle of a very large valley right now and it seems like I have been walking forever to get to the other side so I can start climbing up and out. Well I hope I am closer to the end than to the middle. "I am tired. I am ready to quit. I want out!" This is what my heart has been crying out to God. I don't know what I am suppose to learn from this. I don't remember sowing seeds this bad to be reaping this!
I have a teenage son at home that really misses and needs his dad. All of his problems are my fault. I am the target to which all this anger is thrown. I understand he is in pain. I understand he feels I will still love him no matter what he throws my way so he feels safe taking everything out on me. Just because I understand all this does not make it any easier. I am physically and emotionally drained.
Last Wednesday night at church we had a guest speaker Pastor Gerald Brooks, who of course was talking just to me. In a room full of people he preached just to me. He said "This is to those who have said "I can't handle it anymore!" He reminded us God will teach us how to have joy in our "I can't" moments.
"Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content" (Philippians 4:11 ESV).
He will show you that He is your strength. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (Philippians 4:13 NKJV).

So I am sitting there listening, feeling bad for complaining when I know some parents who would trade their problems for mine in a heartbeat...but still. I have prayed. I have done everything I can think of to do, and still no resolution. I am still in the eye of the storm watching all the pieces of our lives swirl around me. I can feel God there watching me, but I can't quite understand what I can do that I have not already tried to get myself out. I feel like Helen Hunt in the movie Twister when she said it felt like the storm skipped this house and that house and came after her. I know all these families who don't follow God and they have great kids! How does that work?
I must say though that God has placed wonderful friends in my life who pray for me and listen when I need them. They encourage and support me. The writers here encourage and inspire me. It lifts my heart to read praise reports and how many wonderful women of God have walked through their own valley and with God's help find the light at the end. I want you all to know how much I appreciate you. When I begin to doubt I can do all things through Christ, when I ask "Even this?", God tells me yes. When I need to be reminded I come here. Thank you all for being blessings in my life.
You can read my column on the 2nd and 4th Friday of every month at Take Root and Write.


Tracy said...

Venus, thank you for sharing such an honest and heartfelt post. I can't imagine much being more difficult than being a single mom. Praying for you!

momstheword said...

It is difficult being a single mom but remember Isaiah 54:5 says "For your Maker is your husband-the Lord Almighty is His name..." You have the best "husband" on earth or in Heaven!

Sometimes it feels like we are in the "waiting room" with God and we don't know what He's doing and we're waiting for Him to call our name and get us out of there.

He doesn't always get us out of the difficult times but sometimes chooses to walk with us through them. That's how we grow.

Read Job 23:8-10. Even though you can sometimes look all around and you feel like you can't see Him anywhere, He is there and He is working for your good, your growth and His glory.

Vs. 10 says "But He knows the way that I take, and when He has tried me I will come forth as gold."

Gold has to be purified and refined through fire in order to have all the impurities burned out of it.

He loves you and your son very much and has a plan for both of you. You didn't "do" anything to cause the difficulties you are going through.

God loves you and wants to see you grow and be more like Him.

Remember, as much as you love your son, the Lord loves him more!